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SamWilleford
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Name: Bill
Birthday: 11/19/1990
Gender: Male
Interests: Poetry,Art, Cartooning, Billism, Traditionalism, Music, Classical Music, Jazz, Trombones, Talking, Eating, Singing, Writing, Dancing, performing, acting, listing, Alramism, Colors, Psychology, Forestry, Homestar, E-Mail, Worthless Internet Activities, Thinking, Dreaming, Discerning, Adoring, The Arts, Smiling, Classic Films and Television, Basketball on television, Abstractness, Reverse Billism, Languages, Latin, German, Billish, Hyroglyphics, Novels, Typing, Titles, Messenger Bags, Indeedness, i-Tunes, DDR, partying, Fridays, Junk food, and complaining.
Expertise: Writing(poems), drawing(cartoons), eating(meat), Acting, playing Trombone and checking e-mail.
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Art
Message: message me
AIM:  gongoroth
Member Since:
4/19/2005
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| My headphones aren't on my head.
That's probably because it's raining outside;
It makes some interesting noise.
I never liked rain,
Only,
if Rain were a long track on a soundtrack CD
(rather than pure liquid misery),
I might not mind it so much.
~classes~
1. 'Pop Music & Youth Subcultures'
I am a little surprised (pleasantly). This is a v. 'scholarly' class, full of articles & theories & complex analyses, & when one finds himself in scholarly 'big-word' classes I think it is a little easy to drift out into Space. That is, to stop thinking about the words you're reading, to fall asleep instead of listening & hearing, to distance your mind until the scholarly words are nothing more than wasted ink. In this class, autem, somehow I am still between the words, I am still in the thick of the lectures, and have got a very clear idea of where we are thematically. It makes me think that the papers will be easy, That if I keep my mind in one place, I'll know where to begin these essays, And those kind of pleasant surprises, loves, are always the nice ones, right?
2. Latin 507
Same teacher, same time, & not-the-same Station; It's looking a good deal like our Latin adventures last Semester. It is a little hard to tell how much more difficult this class will be (than 506), because we are early in this Course. One might easily expect, 'The second course of Latin will be more difficult than the first,' & that might very well be true. How much more difficult? you see I am not sure. If there's one thing strikingly different, it is the physical atmosphere. We never do realise how wonderful certain things are until they are gone, & I suppose that was the case with Latin in the RLM Building. The Wagner building is a little dry, a little cold, only I suppose I will get used to this place also. It does bring me strangely close to my old Linguistics room; It's only a few metres down the hall. I used to talk about that room lots & lots, back on this old Xanga. I hope you don't remember it though, because it was all v. boring. #bloglovin
3. 'American Short Story'
It is, again, a pleasant surprise; since my Interwar Film & Literature class (O happy happy memories), I can't really remember a more engaging place for discussion (& that's after only three visits). The thing about these discussion-based English classes is, a lot of them get boring. The Lit Class last semester was boring. Shakespeare discussions were boring. And Yes, even Old Thomas Whitbread's discussions, if you stripped away all the marvelous & memorable moments of characterisation, were boring. This one is actually interesting; fun topics, solid ideas, very very engaging. It is amongst the most engaging I have seen so far (as I've said, the Second most).
4. 'International Advertising'
This course is, in essence, a sequel to 'Advertising & Popular Culture' (a 'spiritual successor' is the better phrase). There's no official relationship between the two classes, I simply think (and I hope it is safe to type this) that this class is a Big Joke, a few punchlines short of a comedy routine. The teacher (like the wonderful Pop Culture prof) has an air of hilarious bumbling uncertainty despite obvious knowledge on the subject, & the whole class (again, just like a year ago) seems constantly on the verge of shouting
'what the HECK are you TALKING about.'
Again, a lesson in what to savor while you've got it;
If only I could go back to Advertising & Popular Culture,
Trust me, loves, it was stand-up comedy, a zany hangout zone that would have done well with Cokes & Popcorn. I think this class is the same thing, and I certainly want to realise it now. Think of all the fun we can have. A man and a microphone and a whole lot of laughs. It's things like that, which make you smile, & hope, and get excited for another run-of-the-mill Thursday.
~ ~
I said in November,
'I do not know how I feel physically. I am not worried, although this is where I have the least evidence of anything.'
And I guess this really does touch on one of life's last big Question Marks. Well that might sound like a silly thing to say. Surely I don't think I've answered all the big Questions only because I've developed a physical certainty. Nah, only maybe you caught onto what I was saying. Understanding one's physical place in the world can be a difficult pill to digest. I guess it's easy if you're Kim Novak, or Montgomery Clift, where people always said you were nothing but a slab of meat. Even if you're Quasimodo it's probably easy to understand; You are an abomination & they think you belong in a freakin bell tower. The middleweights, I think, whether on the plus or minus end, will have a tougher time understanding. Where do you belong & how do other people make sense. Events happen, causing feelings, causing actions. And that's a subconscious process. When you're covered with baggage that suggests Thing A, it's difficult to move on toward Thing B. These things that I am typing are not among my clearest-expressed sentiments. I don't really mind though. Sometimes I don't mind whether you caught things.
-Mr. Bill | | |
| It feels like the world lost track of personal relationships & why they are important. Nowadays you are a good person because you posted something about kids in Africa, or because the abused-animal commercial made you cry. Of course I cannot emphasize enough how I don't mind those things at all. Only I feel a bit confused when they are your sole interest in positivity. It seems strange, that is all.
Someone shows some kind of 'global awareness,' some kind of 'The world is full of problems & I want to solve them (often with an indignant 'unlike some people' tone),' Then two minutes later they talk about John behind his back, And then they delete one of their online friends because 'I didn't want to see her posts,' Then they tweet 'F--- everything,' &, I do not know, Am I the only one who finds this strange?
Maybe the weirdest thing about this is, the sense of pride & certainty. In other words, I'm no more a saint than anyone else, nor do I need remind you of it. There are those moments where emotions get the best of us, & we tweet something nasty, or we say something we wish we hadn't said. Those are mistakes and those are to be expected; so long as we know that they are mistakes & we want to fix them. That's the weird thing; In some places, there's this sense of pride in being a jerk, This, 'Ha ha, I make fun of people, which is funny, because I'm a jerk, and we're all jerks, and that's funny, and that's the way we should all be.'
I guess to me it just doesn't make sense.
If there were ever words I would really like to live by (which I realise I cannot always, being imperfect), it's the words from that little song: 'Let there be peace on earth & let it begin with me.' I want to be that kind of guy. If you go around happily insulting & despising & cussing & offending, and damaging & hating and laughing while you bring people down, then as far as I am concerned, you can stop complaining that the world is messed up because it's your fault.
I know this may be an un popular opinion that I am describing, or at least a very isolated one. In the end I just feel drawn to ask these questions. This question of, why? Why are you posting something about how you hate the woman you saw in the coffee shop, and 'F--- her,' and 'F--- the world,' and 'I hate everything' and things like that? When you post something about wanting to help the world five minutes later, won't I have a little bit of difficulty in believing you? . . .
There are other, more intangible ideas I want to write down somewhere.
And I might do that tomorrow. Or sometime in the future. So long as you realise, I am permitted to do it. Sometimes the words we use to describe our feelings are very deep, very abstract, and they form a grey pool of imaginary ideas, which can seem over-complicated or unnecessary. Only they aren't always. Imagining things doesn't make you forever alone. If someone tells you otherwise, they're just a little too different from you. A good person I am sure, only very very different.
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| continuing where we left off
b) Yesterday I said there was such a thing as 'a wealthy human being,'
someone with Vast resources in their Personal Human Bank,
who can barter Good Traits & buy a collection of wonderful people
You, Person Number Two, are 'well off,'
perhaps even wealthy, only you are
not as filthy-rich as Person Number One.
Imagine a successful lawyer or computer programmer. They probably have a lot of money. I bet they can afford an indoor swimming pool, a summer home, an exotic vacation every summer. And to some people, they are rich; pretty well off. Only, if we compare a successful lawyer with, say, Rockefeller or Gates, there is a difference in wealth. That is the difference between you two; Person Number One is like a Carnegie or Zuckerberg, & you are an average Rich Person, living in a Ritzy neighborhood. You are rich, only a little less rich.
And I have mentioned bitterness & envy;
For you, I am not envious in the same way.
I am a little sad.
When Boss gets rid of you, & your business relationship ends, that's called being fired.
When Wife leaves you, & a legal marriage ends, that's called Separation or Divorce.
When Love leaves you, & an romantic connection is severed, that's called Heartbreak.
What about when Friend seems to leave you?
What about when a Friendship seems to be breaking?
..Have we a formal phrase for that?
I guess that's what I'm afraid of, Person Number Two.
I guess, somewhere, I really treasure some kind of friendship. And even though I don't think it's been destroyed, it isn't what I would like it to be. In the cases of some people, it doesn't bother me. Sometimes I see friends go away, & my brain says, 'Friends oftentimes go away, that is a natural part of life.' Only with you, for some reason I am resisting, my brain is fighting, & you have come into my dreams & I will not let go of you. Maybe this is a natural part of life also. Friendships you really wish you could keep. Friendships that your brain never stops fighting over. And if that's the case, You are that friendship for me.
Maybe I would go on about this
if I hadn't found this really addicting website
lol
-Bill
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| in the end
I cannot say anything
as meaningful
as what I might actually say
to you all, directly -
a) When we say 'He is a very rich man,' I think we mean that he is financially rich; he's got lots of money, or in other words, Resources, and he can use his material resources to Exchange for other material resources, & in the big picture, his own material Resources are so Vast, that he can practically barter for any number of materials he wants. That is being financially rich, or colloquially, simply 'rich.' Now there are other ways of being 'rich,' I think; probably the best example is the idea of 'political capital.' If President Pugsley runs as a moderate candidate, who wants to lower taxes & reform health care, Well Then, it would probably be unwise for him to go into Office & bomb Australia. That isn't what people voted for, so it would cost him a lot Politically, ie, his Job & Approval. When they voted for him, they were giving him 'Political Capital' - kind of like, he's got money to spend, & in this case, he would spend his 'political capital' on what he promised: lowering taxes and reforming health care - He can afford that. So if you get votes that empower you to do a lot of things, Well Then, that's almost like being politically rich, rather than financially rich.
These are simply examples to identify different ways of having wealth.
. . . Do you know what you are, Person Number One?
You are an extremely wealthy human being. No, not financially wealthy, & not politically wealthy. Not any of those examples that involve some kind of separate resource; You're a wealthy human being. The resources that you have to offer from your own personal bank - some of the better known resources being mentality, sexuality, spirituality, personality - are Vast, Vast, Vast. & as a human being, walking on two legs, you are one of the most filthy-rich people I have ever known about.
When one has a lot of things,
that person can trade for a lot of more things -
that's what you're like. You are rolling in human resources, rolling in an ocean of
charm, beauty, optimism, intellect, benevolence, faith, kindness, and adoration - the same way some cartoon characters go swimming in a mountain made of golden coins. And because you are so rich, you trade it all for more -
have I ever seen a life more full of loved ones, smart ones, pretty ones, happy ones, complete people that you could afford to trade with, you rich rich person?
It is a natural human response to look at this,
& envy it a little. So long as we realise the person standing next to us is Rich, Rich, Rich, a little part of us looks inward, & says, 'It would be easier if I were that way also.' I guess that can make us bitter, too. I guess envy isn't really a good thing. Only envy is simply a natural human response. This is so you know,
if I am envious, that is not who I want to be, If I feel bitter, that is not who I want to be. Those are simply my human reactions. & in the end, I can't fault you for being so rich.
There's a strange form of evangelism ('prosperity Gospel,' is it called?) that says, 'God wants you to have lots of money, & if you aren't (financially) rich, then you aren't trying hard enough.' It stresses wealth as a promised manifestation of God; and I must say that I do not agree with this message.
If, however, one were to say,
people who are wealthy in human resources
(like you)
are wealthy in human resources because of God,
that I can believe much faster,
So God Bless You, Person Number One, because He certainly already has, And maybe tomorrow, I will talk about Person Number Two, because Person Number Two is really much different.
-Richard Gere
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| Person 1 said to Person 2
(paraphrased, as always),
'Bill has withdrawn himself from his old friends - his highschool friends, & Band friends who are There with him; he has distanced himself from them & he no longer spends his time with them; why?'
& of course I know about this because Person 2 told me.
Now the direct answer is,
this is an overreaction. Life in Riverside, although it has no rock-solid schedule, is a life in which plans must me made, & some plans are easier to come by than others; when someone has a Car & can take you places, it's easy to go almost Anywhere, provided you want to go to that place, & you aren't buried in assignments. On campus is a little different; the walks are long & the buses come only so often, meaning your days & your weeks begin with a skeleton schedule, and you alter it when you need to.
This is only to say,
of course I would love hanging out with old friends.
Times & schedules & plans, however,
make this a rather elusive process,
something that you've got to hunt down relentlessly,
and with the social occasions I've got presently,
I've just never squeezed in those kinds of reunions.
That is nothing intentional - A dramatic overreaction if I ever saw one.
There is the question, however,
of whether these New Circles are a better place,
a place I would rather stay in,
were I offered all the old circles, nice & easy.
And I am inclined to say 'Yes,' my loves; I feel like I am in a better place. Person 1 was overreacting; I never meant to create any distance, & in a situation where reunions could be managed, I would gladly find the time for them. Only I cannot deny, somewhere Back There the wires got jumbled, and I feel that these New Circles are positive progress, not some cold embittered island like you may think . . .
I suppose I know where the wires got jumbled. Or, at least, where they became the most jumbled. I suppose it was First Year. I think it is true that, in general, people took First Year the wrong way, and in fact, I dare say some of them took it personally. I suppose they thought I locked myself away out of some anti-social crusade, that I was purposefully running away because I didn't want to be touched. The reality, of course, is different, & since bad communications happen everywhere, there is no use pointing fingers.
The reality is, I was terribly frightened back then. Yes I suppose it is frightening when one moves from highschool Security into College wilderness, only I don't think that's what really scared me. And yes, if I remember, I was a bit intimidated by certain rhetoric of doom & damnation, and even by movies that were a little too scary to be watched at nighttime, only those weren't the main things either. I suppose it was the Stuff. I realise I can't show them to anyone, or that no matter how many times I talk about them, no one will ever know how frightening they were. Only when I saw them in my eyes, in the light that had once been so pure, I simply couldn't understand, & as Eliot says, 'in short, I was afraid.'
And so I grabbed onto the only safe place I could find - Consistency - hoping someone would reach out. And I realise no one ever did, and I realise I could not have expected them to. Because by then, the wires were jumbled too badly, & everyone thought I was running away, because perhaps, I didn't want to belong any longer. We all had the wrong ideas . . .
Later it spawned a new generation of loved ones. Those are the people whose company I find now, loves. Those are the people that watch football with me, the ones with whom I can share the movies & stories & insights, Those are the people studying with me on Tuesday nights, singing with me on Sunday mornings, driving out into the Night on weekends, or boarding Buses with me on select Friday nights. Those are the people with me in the shops, at the table, on sofas & chairs and in the Cars. And they are a wonderful generation of loved ones. I suppose I came to them, frightened, and thank God the wires never got crossed, because their arms were open & I fell right in.
Person 1 overreacted.
'There just haven't been a lot of opportunities'
is not the same as
'I'm deliberately avoiding you.'
Only I can't pretend that displacement doesn't happen.
And even though we haven't met all the characters
in this goggly little play so far, we've met some great new ones.
Change does happen, you know.
isn't that lovely my loves?
-Bill
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